I believe I got "Having a Mary Spirit" for my high school graduation. I had it tucked away in a small chest that I brought to Little Rock, and as I was going around my room convincing myself that I wasn't overpacking for Christmas break when indeed I was, I grabbed a couple of books--"Mary Spirit" being one of them. I grabbed it from my suitcase one night at home. The subtitle reads "Allowing God to change us from the inside out." ...I thought that sounded like a pretty good plan, so I dug in.
Chapter 1 is simply called "A Mary Spirit." ... I can already tell that this will be hard. It would be so much easier to simply tell you to go buy this book & read it for yourself. ... Luke 10:38-42 tells a story of 2 sisters: Martha & Mary. Jesus visited their home, and Martha was freaking out because she felt like she was doing all the work while Mary just sat there and listened to Him. Martha rebuked and asked why Mary was doing nothing. Jesus responded to Martha and told her, "Only one thing is needed." It's easy to get so caught up in the busyness of life that sometimes I forget about that "one thing" that is needed - to sit at Jesus's feet. I tend to forget to just... be still. Joanna goes on to say that Martha & Mary had to "learn the balance between a soul at rest and a body in motion, between working hard for Christ and sitting at His feet." That's what I need- to learn that balance. I want to be changed to have a Mary spirit and learn to sit at the feet of the One who leads me. Ok, Lord... here we go.
Chapter 2 is where I had my first big "Aha!" moment. Joanna writes, "I assumed that Christian perfection was an outer work I had to do." That caught my attention. What? Isn't it, though? "If I could just be good enough and do the right things, then I would please God." Ok... go on. "But in my heartfelt desire to serve and honor the Lord, I feel prey to ... the lie that holiness is all up to us." Wait... it's not? There I was, realizing that the dangerous belief that I had to make myself presentable to God through my own human efforts was all a lie that Satan had planted in my mind. And boy, did he reap & sow on that lie.
I struggled a lot in undergrad with this issue. I felt like I had gotten so caught up in everything--sorority, partying, meeting people--and I began to neglect my spiritual life... put it on the back-burner, if you will. When I hit some low points & realized that I needed to mend this part of my life, I didn't know where to start. I began going to church on a somewhat regular basis & reading daily devotionals ever so often, etc. I tried to monitor my words and actions. But as we all know, people fall. As I read through Chapter 2, it became more and more apparent that my human actions are not what is going to bring me closer to God. Contradictory to what I had unconsciously thought before, I didn't need to prove myself worthy of anything- because I'm not worthy. No one is, nor will anyone ever be. Salvation is a gift, not a job. And it is all up to mwah to decide to accept this gracious gift. For it is freely given.
It was when I read the following words that I could have sworn that this chapter was written ABOUT me and directly TO me:
"I somehow fell for the lie that when I accepted Jesus as my Savior, the rest was up to me. As though, after an initial warm hug of welcome, God had tossed me into the sea of life, stepped back, and crossed His arms as if to say 'It's up to you now, sweetheart--sink or swim.'"
BaDaBING! I didn't know what exactly it was that I had been struggling with until I read that line. That's it! That's the lie that has me stuck in this rut! My Christianity and my salvation is not dependent upon me and my actions... it's through the grace of God. Now I've known since I was a little girl that there is one and only one way to God, but like Joanna said, I believed that after that initial "Come into my heart" prayer, it was all up to me. But it's not. I began to realize that all I had to do was follow Him. I have a God who understands that I am caught in the middle of humanly contradictions. I want God one minute and I chase the world the next. Jesus not only understands my weaknesses, but he has the power and the know-how to help me change. He peels back my sin like an onion, revealing one layer at a time. He exposes my weaknesses, then shows me how to change.
There were many parts of chapter 2 that I had to re-read. This book was proving to be a bit more complex than I had bargained for. I was expecting to pick it up and read bullet points on how to become a better person spiritually. "Good deeds: check. Church: check. Prayer: check." Boy, was I in for a ride as I realized that this was going to be about self-evaluation and application in my own life. This should be interesting...
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